I am not my past and it no longer defines me. Today I am me, free with no attachment.
My name is Ashleigh, and I am an Addict and Alcoholic in recovery.
It has taken me four years to not only admit, but believe this statement! Which i guess is okay timing considering a lot of people will take it to their grave way before there time is up. A lot of people seem to look at an addiction as a choice, thinking we can choose to stop if we want to. A lot of people, when thinking of the word addict or alcoholic might imagine a dirty, homeless person begging for money on the side of the street. While a lot of the time, that "image" can be true, what people don't realize, is that addiction is everywhere and it does not have a certain look. It could be your neighbor who you think is the nicest most loving person in the world. It could be your boss, who you think just has a lot of energy and is there a lot because it's your boss. Addiction is everywhere! What people don't realize, and choose not to believe is, addiction is not a choice.. it's a disease. Granted- we have the decision or "choice" to pick up that drink or whatever substance the first time, yes. But after that, it no longer becomes a choice. It is survival and we will do anything to get more.
Addiction is becoming more and more prominent. It's an epidemic of our time. It's becoming more noticeable in society. And i really believe that it is slowly becoming more understood in some areas. Addiction is a disease of the brain. We no longer control the drug, but it controls us! It will steal our families, our jobs, our homes and our soul.. until we have nothing left. For a lot of us, it takes our life.
The way the world/society views addiction is skewed. We are not bad people. We are sick people trying to get well. I know for myself and many others, drugs and alcohol, in a sense, kept me alive. It was all i could do to cope with life and the things that had happened to me. I was trying to survive, and drugs and alcohol did that for me, for a short time.
You don't have to loose everything or go on and on for 15+ years to qualify as an addict or an alcoholic. A lot of people believe that as well. For me, it took four years of drinking and drugging before I was willing to admit that i might have a problem. I didn't loose everything, but I was headed there. My rock bottom had me in a hospital bed unconscious for four days.. not knowing if I was ever going to wake up and be the same. My rock bottom, was when i was so out of control, I prayed for God just to take me. I lied on the floor wanting to die begging and pleading for him just to take me!! I didn't want to live anymore. My life was so unmanageable and out of control that I couldn't go on. And that was when I asked for help. I cried and cried to my parents to get me the help that i needed, so that I could stop and get my life back. And I was granted (by the grace of God) the gift of treatment.. Eight whole months of it.
Treatment the first time through was a lot to swallow! I mean, you go in there, you have to spill your entire life story to people you barely know.. and then they say you can NEVER use any mind altering substance ever again? Forget that!! Of course that was my perception of it, which is accurate to a degree, but there is more to it than that. I mean for us addicts, saying we can't even use tomorrow is overwhelming! My first time in treatment, saved my life! I would have hoped that it would have kept me sober forever, but it's not up to them to save me, and I still had that reservation about never using anything EVER again.. was I really an Addict? I do owe that treatment center and their staff a lot of credit! They saved my butt! They pointed things out to me that I didn't want to hear, which were very true.. so yeah.. Why would I want to hear it? Nobody wants to be told that their the victim and that they do a lot of things for attention! That's just horrible! But I also did not understand at that time the real meaning of what they were pointing out. I, at the time, thought they were totally dismissing everything that had happened to me. Telling me that all my abuse was something I just needed to forget or suck up.
After eight months, I graduated from the program.. what a miracle! I remained clean and sober for a little over a year. And I thought i totally had it! I was cured and no longer like "those people." And guess what happened..? I relapsed and was in even more denial than the time before. It took me a whole year and a half of doing the same thing over and over, before I really, REALLY accepted I had a problem that was never going to be "cured" and that once again, I needed help.
I had a lot of guilt and shame, I mean.. Rehab is not cheep and here I am again, begging to go back. I was honestly shocked that it happened. I did not feel like I deserved a second chance for rehab.. let alone my 50th chance at "trying" to get better. As addicts, we are really good at lying, stealing and cheating our way through life. Why should anyone believe what we have to say? We do the same thing over and over and over again..expecting different results!! That my friends, is the definition of insanity.. that is our addiction! That was my life.
Today I know and accept that I am an addict/alcoholic. There is no changing that, and to be completely honest, even if i could somehow go back in the past and have the opportunity to bypass this part of my life.. I, knowing what i know now, would not change it for the world. I would leave it to happen just as it did. Today i am not ashamed of being an addict, I don't care how others want to think of me, knowing that I am an addict. What others think of me is none of my business. Today i am proud! I do not let this disease hold me back. It is one of the biggest blessings I've had in my life and I am so grateful to my Higher Power that he trusted me with this trial. Because I'm doing it! How privileged I feel, knowing that he entrusts me with this challenge. I would not wish this disease on anyone, it is powerful and a challenge EVERY day of my life. I have had to learn a new way to live, and that's OK! I have grown SO much these last few years.. and the more I remain open and willing, the more i continue to progress and and help others.
Today I know who I am. Being an addict is not who I am, but it is part of me, part of my story. This life is so full of challenges and expectations, a lot which we put on ourselves. I never realised how much pressure and expectation I have put on myself. It is so much easier to blame others for the way I was. But really, I didn't feel like I was enough and I was scared, I was the one saying I was stupid and worthless. I hated myself so much for so long.. how could anyone love me, why should they?
The biggest gift I have ever been able to give myself.. is to surrender and let go. When I release the control I "think" i have and give it to my Higher Power.. I am free. And in doing that.. I can love myself.
Over these last few months, I have been working on an Autobiography/ inspirational book, telling my story. Taking where I have been, everything I have been through, including things I have put myself through and where I am now. Taking my power back to become empowered. I have had five main subjects/chapters in this book.
1. Faith
2. Loving myself
3.Forgiveness
4.Personal Power
5.Breaking Free
I have had so many stories and personal break throughs, through every one of those five subjects..except number five. There was something holding me back. I knew there was some fear attached to it. But something was missing, almost like I hadn't gone through the learning experience I needed to really let go completely and move forward, walking away and detaching from the past.. and it took going to rehab again and going through all the pains of my past..again, and the secrets I've kept buried for years to learn this simple missing piece.. It was SURRENDER. I cannot completely break free and move on, until I have completely surrendered all things and let go. Once I surrender, I am free!
I add this picture because It is what reminds me to surrender. Butterflies have been my "sign" so to speak. My first time through treatment, I was maybe two or three weeks into treatment, over 2000 miles away from home and I wanted to die. Detox sucked, I missed my family and I just felt hopeless. I didn't think I could do it any longer. I was sitting in the Peace Garden. The water was running over the rocks through the stream, the sun beating down on my face, flowers and beauty all around me. And in that moment of complete hopelessness and dis pare.. I saw a beautiful butterfly with many colors, one like I've never seen before, gently fly beside me and land on my hand. I knew in that moment, that that was my higher power telling me everything was going to be ok. I was free.
I hope that being this blog is public, that someone will be able to hear the message in my story, that my openness and honesty will inspire or help someone else. If I've learned anything in recovery, it's to let go, surrender and be of service. When you do good things, Good things happen. And most of all, not to be ashamed. Being an addict is the biggest blessing i have in my life at this time. It is a calling. Not many people make it through this disease, long enough to see the miracle. Which is yourself. When they see the miracle, it is you, it is me, finally getting it! And blossoming into the Beautiful talented young woman, I was born to be.
I am free at last. I am ready to soar.
