SELF-HARM
There are many "statistics" out there about cutting. 1-6 Teens, 1 in 12, Boys don't do it as often as girls. There are also strong opinions like: "They are just doing it for attention." or "It's a suicide attempt, they should be hospitalized." And my favorite- "It's just a faze." Statistics don't mean CRAP in this situation. Why? Because this is something done is secret. Most cases are never reported because we don't talk about it! Because we think it will "go away" in time. Regardless of whether or not you believe they are doing it for one or more of these reasons.. THERE IS A REASON THEY ARE DOING IT! Why would we do something for "attention" to keep it a secret?
For many of us who have cut, we know how it works. We know when to do it, where to do it and how to hide it. We know all of the excuses and have used them many times. For years I kept it a secret from everyone. I'm willing to share part of my story, even if it only helps one person- Just one is enough. It makes me sad to see local news reports of this becoming a "Trend" in schools. "The new Anorexia" as I have seen it. This is not a trend, it's not something new. This has been going on for years and will continue to do so unless we do something different.
My self Injury started at 8 years old. I was put into my room for time out once again and locked in. I was so full of rage. I remember feeling like I was going to explode. With out thinking I bashed my head into the wall so hard I saw stars, for the first time I felt relief. I felt like I could breathe and the emotional pain went away. (That was the biggest lie I learned years later, the pain never went away, I just stuffed it deep into my sub-conscious to deal with 15 years down the road.)
From there I began taking my dad tools from the garage and hiding them in my room, When ever I got locked in, I would pull them out and beat myself with them. The self harm started off as a few times a month. With-in a few years I began cutting which turned in to a couple times a week. By the time I was 16 it was Daily and by the time I was 19 it was many times a day, requiring medical treatment and many stitches. I never did it to kill myself. I did it because the physical pain was so much better than the emotional hell I was living in. I did it to numb myself from the pain of the past. I did it as a sub-conscious cry for help, for someone to see how much pain I was in. I did it because I hated myself. I hated my body and I felt like I had no control.
Today I'm 25 years old. I have spent 16 years of my life hurting my body. It's not a trend and it's an addiction for me. A year ago, I literally saw myself in my mind, 30 years old, screaming kids, while I locked myself into the bathroom to cut. I never thought I would be able to stop. I never thought I would want to stop. It helped me survive..
I had my own Journey to walk. No one could stop me no matter how hard they tried. I had to be the one to make a change. I really believed it was "not that bad" when I was sitting in the ER once again, getting my second set of 28 stitches in my leg. I had no idea what I was putting my body through, my parents through or my friends. It wasn't until my "survival skill" stopped working for me, that I chose to do something different. I got to the point in the end, where no matter how often I did it, how deep I went, I felt NO relief anymore.
My sobriety date is May 22nd, 2013. I have not engaged in self harm behavior in 487 days. For someone that couldn't do two hours with out it in the end, That's a long time. It has not been easy, but well worth it. There are still times when I struggle with the urge, but I have a choice today, and I choose not to repeat the cycle. I never thought I would be able to stop, to love myself, to be happy with or with out cutting. But here I am almost 18 months sober and I'm amazed at the life I have today. I get to actually feel! For so long I was trying to not feel the "bad" emotions, but what I have learned is this: You cannot feel the good emotions with out being able to feel the bad. You can't know what love, joy and happiness feels like with out feeling sorrow, loss, alone. You cannot experience the freedom, with out taking the risk to let go of everything you think you know. I had to be willing to surrender everything, especially my past. I held that as my identity for so long, but that's not who I am. It never has been. It's part of my story, part of my journey. I am Ashleigh. I am compassionate, loving, inspiring. That is who I am. Not what was done to me, not my experiences.
Self harm does not discriminate. Men, women, children- anyone. I will share with you some of my "Warning signs."
1. Isolation
2. Wearing lots of bracelets or long selves.
3. Not wearing shorts ( Many times we will cut in places not visible to others)
4. Having many excuses for random cuts or scratches
5. Not wanting to participate in activities where it could risk any exposure of scars
6. Wanting to be alone a lot (excusing myself to my room or the bathroom many times a day)
The list could go on and on.
I hope that my experience can give hope to someone who is struggling. It is possible to stop. I will also tell you from experience, I could never stop and stay stopped until I replaced that addiction with something healthy. Exercise is a great thing to replace it with. It releases endorphin's and is a physical outlet. Find something you love to do. This is a journey but there is hope and healing. The best part of it is when you are able to help someone else who struggles with self harm. I know there is a reason I went through the hell I did. There are many gifts that continue to come from the pain I endured and that makes it worth it today.
If you or someone you know is struggling with self harm, seek help. Find someone you can trust and be honest. Talking about it is the first step towards recovery.
